Amanda O'Banion

a letter to my girls

Adeline & Eleanor,

Hello my sweet girls. It's late at night and you have been asleep for some time. The house is quiet and your Daddy and I are getting ready to go to bed and while you are on the opposite side of the house, you are still running through my mind.

As I placed each of you in your little bed, kissed your head, and prayed my prayer of protection over you I began to ask the question I ask myself every night. Am I doing okay at this? Am I doing okay at being your Mama? Am I teaching you love, gratitude, compassion, respect? Am I showing you Jesus? Are the words that I say, and the tone in which I say them helping to grow your little spirits or am I tearing you down? Am I a good mom?  

Each night I replay the events of the day and I am constantly reminded that there is nothing easy about being your Mama. There are times where I get so frustrated, so overwhelmed, and so confused that I make bad choices. These times are like a broken record, playing over and over again in my head. I know that there are good times too. Lots of good times! I know that we are making so many fun memories. I also know that it is my job as your Mom to teach you and that sometimes the only way to do so is through discipline, but I'm always questioning whether or not I'm doing the discipline part right. 

I hope that I am showing you about Jesus. I hope that my actions show love and compassion and humility and that you are not picking up on all my bad qualities, ones that I am aware of making hundreds of times a day. I hope that I am encouraging you to be creative and to love learning. I pray that I teach you forgiveness because you see me forgive others and not to hold a grudge. 

I pray that I teach you how to love your future husband through the way I love your daddy. How to love your future children through the way I love you.

There are so many things that constantly weigh on my mind and in my heart when it comes to the responsibility of being your mom.  I can be honest in the fact that there are more doubts than certainties and just when I think I have one little part figured out something happens to bring me crashing back to a world of unknown. 

One thing is for certain though sweet girls, I am doing my best. Even when I fail you, and Lord knows I will  fail you so many times over the course of our lives together, I am always trying to do my best. I am always on your side and I will always love you. I hope that I'm doing an okay job at being your Mom. It's the greatest job in the world.

Sleep tight my angels.

Love,
Your Mama

dear eleanor

I can't believe that I am already writing you this letter. How is it possible that you have been in our lives for 365 days, a whole year. I could throw around words like "It seems like yesterday", "How time flies', but those wouldn't be true.  I can't believe it's been a whole year but at the same time, it feels like you have always been here. As much as we thought your big sister changed our world, you, baby girl turned it upside down! From day one you wanted to assert yourselves as independent and different from any other baby in the house. Your daddy and I joke around that the reason God gave you red hair is so that we would have no doubt about how you fit into our family from the very beginning. You are the strong-willed one. You scream when you get mad. You thrust your little fist out and grunt when you want more milk or more food. You don't just cry, you cry! 

Oh but you are so so good. You smile all the time. When I go into your nursery each day you jerk awake from the sound of the door and start rolling around and pulling yourself up. You smile and laugh and coo as soon as I walk into the room. That is my favorite thing about you. You love me so much. At times it can be overwhelming, especially the times when Mama needs a break, but I hold on to you as you cling to me because I know that much sooner than I would like, you are going to be pushing yourself away.

The first 6 months of your life were so challenging. You are so much different than your sister. You had belly problems, you cried so much more, and sleeping...well that didn't really happen until your 7 month birthday. While we were living in those moments it seemed like they would never end, but here we are, 12 months into your life and you are not just living, you are thriving. You hate crawling so you just scoot everywhere you want to go.  You love standing and walking and following your sister around. You love food! Anything and everything. Your favorite snack right now is puffs and we can't keep them around long enough. You love being outside and I love watching your discover things for the first time.

As much as you love me and your daddy I am positive you love your sister even more. You scream with excitement when you see her and you follow her around everywhere she goes. I am so excited so see what this next year brings for the relationship between the two of you.  Your personality is starting to really shine through and I think you are going to have a sneaky side to you. You are also starting to pick up some words and you imitate lots of things you hear. 

Life is good with you in it sweet girl. You added another element to our family that we didin't even know we were missing. You were the missing part. Your fiery red head came into our world and showed us that even though life was great without you in it, it is magical with you here. 

Your name is such a powerful name Eleanor. Each night while Daddy is putting your sister to bed, I hold you close and pray the same two prayers; "Dear Father, protect my girls from the tops of their heads to the soles of their feet and everything else in between." and "Help me to teach them courage, compassion, independence, and strength." I don't think you are going to struggle with these areas. I think you are going to be all of the above and more. Even at such a small age you blow my mind with the strength and compassion that you posses.  You are going to live up to your name in every way imaginable and I can't wait to watch it happen.

Thank you for letting me be your Mommy. Happy Birthday little bit. 

Love,
Mommy

 

 

dear adeline// you amaze me

 

Adeline,

How is it possible that you are almost two years old? As I sit here typing this I am watching you prance around the living room with your sippy-cup dancing to "Pizza Angel" from your favorite Veggie Tales episode.  You amaze me with how much you can communicate with us now. Not only have you mastered 'yes' and 'no' but you have also started nodding your head yes and no in response to questions.  It seems just like yesterday you were sitting in my life cooing and grabbing for things. Now you take things to the trash can and feed yourself, and you even peed in the potty for the first time the other day!

I can't believe just how fast time flies. You are still your daddy's spitting image but you have your mama's stubborness for sure.  You get so frustrated when we don't understand what you want the first time and my heart goes out for you. I know that as you continue to grow you will get much better at asking for things specifically.  We are trying to be patient and let you go at your own pace. 

I am reminded over and over that this is the time that parenting begins getting tough. Now is the time that we have to put into action all of those things that we said we'd do "when we have kids".  Disciplining you is hard. I totally understand what 'this hurts me more than you' means now.  Having to tell you no, or remove you from a situation when you are screaming is never easy. More than once we have left a store or the church service because you can't calm yourself down. I'm not going to lie, sometimes being your mama is tough right now. Sometimes it's embarrassing, but I have to keep telling myself that this is just a phase. We have been through so many phases with you and I know that there are so many more to go through.

I love how you call me "MomMom". You will sit in your crib in the morning asking for me to come get you. You also have started cuddling with me at night right before bed. This is our special time. You rarely want your daddy before bed so after our nightly bedtime routine I will sit in the rocker and hold you and we'll just rock and talk for a few minutes until I lay you down. I cherish these times when you are quiet and still and I try to quiet my mind and just live in the moment.  

You are the best big sister!  I can't believe that there was ever a time when I worried about how you would adapt to having your sister in the house. On a daily basis I am brought to tears by the love and compassion your show Eleanor. Every morning you burst out of your room yelling "Sissy!". You can't wait to find her and hug her. You always ask "Why she cry?" with your eyes huge with worry everytime she makes the slightest whimper.  You are a great helper when it comes to feeding her and changing her diaper.  I can't wait to see the bond that you two are going to have. As hard as it is sometimes having you two so close I am so glad we did.

I know that this road is still just beginning for us.  You are going to continue to change and to mature and to develop your own little personality.  I know that we are going to have our rough patches and we aren't always going to be each other's best friends. And I'm okay with that. My job is to be your Mama and to raise you and care for you and to teach you to love others and to love Jesus with your whole heart. I know  that this will be hard in the years to come. Right now I am going to love on you as long as you will let me. I am going to sing and dance and cry with you. I am going to spend every single minute I can with you. These are the moments that I will hold onto when we don't always see eye-to-eye.  I am now, and will always be, in your corner. I am your Mama. It's the best job in the world.

I love you sweet girl,
Mama  

dear eleanor // 3 months

eleanor,

Sweet girl, the last three months have flown by! I can't believe that you have been in my life for over 90 days. One thing that you will learn about your mama is that while my intentions are always good, sometimes my follow-through takes a while longer. That is the exact reason why you are almost 3 1/2 months old and I just now writing this letter. 

My how you are changing. You are beginning to hold things on your own. The stuffed elephant that hangs from your carseat has became one of your favorite toys and we find you sucking on it or chewing on it constantly.  You also chew on your blankets and occasionally Mommy's face if you get close enough. Some say you might be teething, I guess we will have to wait and see.

You went through a really rough patch a couple of weeks ago where you decided that sleeping just wasn't as much fun as waking Mommy and Daddy up every hour. This was a tough week for your Mommy and Daddy but we all pushed through and got through that phase. I am being reminded all over again that life with a baby is a series of phases. I find that we are constantly getting through one phase or another with both you and your sister, and with every one, it seems that we come out stronger and a little bit more knowleadable than before. 

You still wake up once a night around 5:00 to nurse. Since you are putting yourself to sleep around 9 each night I think that we are doing pretty good. 5:00 seems early but once I nurse you I can lay you back down and you sleep for a few more hours. I remember hearing friends talk about their babies waking up to eat and praying that I never had a baby that did that, but Baby Girl, those early morning hours are my favorite. I love the quiet time that it gives just me and you. I love that after you eat I cuddle you up next to me in bed and we sleep a few more hours. I love your baby breath on my cheek as you breath and hearing your sweet *sighs* of contentment. You have become very talkative and there have been a few times that your and your sister have carried on miniature "conversations".  It makes me so excited about the future conversations you will have about boys, dreams, and eventually weddings, and your own children. I can already tell your bond will be inseperable. 

Mommy is working so hard to pump enough milk for you but it is so hard. We are doing as much milk as I am pumping but we are also giving you formula so that you aren't starving once the breastmilk is gone. You have adjusted so well and since starting you on a special probiotic we haven't had any throw-ups.

Eleanor, I want you to know that these times are hard for mama. It's hard leaving you and your sister each day and being away from you. I hate the long hours that this time of the school year bring with it. I am doing all that I can do though to be a good Mommy to you, and when I get home each day or when I pick you up at the sitter's, your sweet smile makes my day. You are so sweet Eleanor Mae, and I love each day watching you grow and change.

I love you sweet girl,

love, your Mama

dear landen / you are 30

Today you turn 30.

 

Thirty years. Where does the time go? I can imagine you as a little boy, your big eyes taking in everything around you with the same curiosity I see reflected in your eyes today.  I can see you as a toddler, much like our own sweet Adeline and your little mini-me.  I can see you running around jibber-jabbering away to anyone who would listen.

Fast forward a few years and now I see you in the grocery store, as your mom has told me so many times, and you are checking all of the vending machines for money that someone else has left behind, definite signs of your very frugal adulthood. 

Your high school days were spent mostly on the run. Literally. Between cross country and basketball your days were full of activity. You excelled at cross country and went on to get a scholarship that sent you to Cumberland College.

I can imagine you on your first day of college. Scared, and wanting to go home, but so full of ideas for what you could do during your four years in that place and thinking of all the ways to make those ideas happen. I can see you meeting you new people, chatting them up in the cafe or the Grill. Passing people on the via-duct and waving a friendly hello. I can see you rushing to practice so that you weren't late...again. I can see you studying your bible in your dorm room and asking God to show you what He wants for your life. 

I love thinking about what you were like before I met you. Sometimes I wonder just how much our little girls are going to be like you.

When I look at you now, I imagine you taking in all the wonder of new things with our own little girls. They share your big, curious, eyes and I can see the same curiosity reflecting in their eyes that I imagine you had at their age. I imagine you taking them to the grocery store and teaching them to look for the best price...not on the sticker, but the best 'unit' price. I hope you teach them to have your frugal ways unlike their Mama.  I imagine you running around the neighborhood with them helping them develop their stride and breathing techniques. I imagine you sitting with them doing school projects helping them develop ideas and find ways to make it the best project ever. Leave Mama to do the pretty stuff, you will always be the engineer in our family. 

You are 30.

You have lived 30 full years full of lots of exciting things. But you are just beginning. You are still growing, and wondering, and inspiring others around you. You have many more friends to meet, and things to see for the first time. You have more miles to run. You have accomplished much in your first 30 years, as many people will attest to both personally and professionally, but you have much more to accomplish.

You have more studying to do, both academically and biblically.  You have so much more.
Thirty seems like such a big number, and while it is, it represents so much in both of our lives. As exciting as your 20's were, I can't wait to write you your 40 year old letter and see all of the fun and exciting blessings you received in your 30's.
Live strong darling, these are the best years of your life.
Love,
Your Sweetpea

dear eleanor / one month

                                             
Dear Eleanor,

Hello sweet girl. You are one month old today. One month. How does that happen? How is it that one minute you are being placed on my chest for the first time and I am taking my first glances at your sweet face and the next it is one month later. You are so graceful and so small. And so calm.  You are the perfect example of peace. Everything you do is peaceful. From the way you move your hands so gracefully, to your bright eyes that take in so much wonder. Everything you do amazes me.
You are so different from your sister, baby girl. I love that about you. I love that you are your own person and that you are challenging me as a Mommy in new and exciting ways. You only wake up one time a night and I appreciate that about you so much. It's like you know that I need to get my rest so I can take care of you and your big sister everyday.
You are nursing so well and we are really in a groove with it. You are a porker sweet girl! You eat so well and I have had to start supplementing some formula into your diet because you like to hang out and eat for a long, long time! It makes it hard to take care of Adeline too, but you are dealing with it like a champ. You are gaining weight and your little body is filling out into a healthy, chunky, little lady. It's such a good feeling to know that I am providing for you.
You are having some issues with acid reflux, and more than once I have had to change the sheets or wash the couch cushion covers after you have thrown up everything you have eaten. I don't want you to have to go on medicine so we are trying to work it out on our own.
You like to be held and cuddled a lot and I am happy to do it! I love the way your sweet little red head rests so perfectly on my chest. I love the way you sigh so sweetly as you sleep. You have such a humble spirit.
Your big sister loves you so much. Every morning when she wakes up she runs to find you and slaps you with a big ole' kiss. She loves to hold you and wants to feed you your bottle. You love your sister too.  You get so bright eyed when you hear her voice and you deal with her 'lovings' so well.
You went to Mammaw and Pappaws for the first time this month and got to meet a lot of your aunts and uncles at your cousin Nathan's farewell party.  You didn't cry or whine at all while everyone loved on you. I can tell that you are going to be so loving.
I am in awe of you everyday. I knew that I would love you sweet girl, but I had no idea that I would love you so much. You and your sister are everything to me and I love each day that I get to wake up to you. I want to cherish each sweet little moment I have. I want you to know that I would do anything for you, and that you have been the perfect addition to our family. You have my whole heart.

Love forever,

Your Mama