Adeline & Eleanor,
Hello my sweet girls. It's late at night and you have been asleep for some time. The house is quiet and your Daddy and I are getting ready to go to bed and while you are on the opposite side of the house, you are still running through my mind.
As I placed each of you in your little bed, kissed your head, and prayed my prayer of protection over you I began to ask the question I ask myself every night. Am I doing okay at this? Am I doing okay at being your Mama? Am I teaching you love, gratitude, compassion, respect? Am I showing you Jesus? Are the words that I say, and the tone in which I say them helping to grow your little spirits or am I tearing you down? Am I a good mom?
Each night I replay the events of the day and I am constantly reminded that there is nothing easy about being your Mama. There are times where I get so frustrated, so overwhelmed, and so confused that I make bad choices. These times are like a broken record, playing over and over again in my head. I know that there are good times too. Lots of good times! I know that we are making so many fun memories. I also know that it is my job as your Mom to teach you and that sometimes the only way to do so is through discipline, but I'm always questioning whether or not I'm doing the discipline part right.
I hope that I am showing you about Jesus. I hope that my actions show love and compassion and humility and that you are not picking up on all my bad qualities, ones that I am aware of making hundreds of times a day. I hope that I am encouraging you to be creative and to love learning. I pray that I teach you forgiveness because you see me forgive others and not to hold a grudge.
I pray that I teach you how to love your future husband through the way I love your daddy. How to love your future children through the way I love you.
There are so many things that constantly weigh on my mind and in my heart when it comes to the responsibility of being your mom. I can be honest in the fact that there are more doubts than certainties and just when I think I have one little part figured out something happens to bring me crashing back to a world of unknown.
One thing is for certain though sweet girls, I am doing my best. Even when I fail you, and Lord knows I will fail you so many times over the course of our lives together, I am always trying to do my best. I am always on your side and I will always love you. I hope that I'm doing an okay job at being your Mom. It's the greatest job in the world.
Sleep tight my angels.